( ♪♪ )
(Theme music in disco style)
( ♪♪ )
(Inhaling, exhaling smoke from pipe)
(Marker squeaking)
(Ice clinking in glass)
Fuck, boys, Swedish pancakes are to suck one for!
I'm fucking stuffed!
How many sides of bacon did you eat? Seven or eight?
I don't know. Seven, eight, nine. I was fucking starving!
You guys really should have invited me
to that big breakfast you just had.
Why the fuck would we do that?
Because I could have told you
not to waste your hard-earned fucking money on food.
Here's your tasks. What? What?
"Stockholm task number 1:
"eat the bellybuster meatball meal
"at Stortorgskällaren restaurant
without throwing up." For fuck's sakes.
"Then go to... 'gamla stans' something
"and have surströmming for dessert.
25 bucks." For fuck's sakes! You fucking prick!
We're fucking stuffed already!
You could have told us, man!
It's not my job to keep tabs on you creeps.
"Number 2: climb the mast of the...
"Vasa warship at the Vasa Museum
"and take a piss onto the deck below.
100 bucks." Ricky: Nice.
Ricky, that's fucking going to jail,
pissing at a museum down on the people, the exhibit.
It doesn't sound that hard. You don't have to piss on the people.
You can wait until it clears
What else is there? and just fucking fire her down there.
"Number 3: make one save
"in a 10-shot shoot-out against Peter Forsberg!
500 bucks." Are you fucking kidding me?
(Laughing) Oh, my God.
"Note: there is an additional $500 bonus
if Forsberg will drink a beer out of the goalie cup."
I'll do that. Easiest thousand bucks we ever made, boys.
Ricky, the guy's worth millions of dollars.
He's not going to drink beer out of your fucking sweaty old pissy goalie cup!
Not to mention it's Peter Forsberg.
You're not going to stop him in a fucking shoot-out.
Okay, first of all, hockey players are fucking weird.
They're always making each other drink out of their little cock protectors.
And C, or D, or whatever the fuck we're on,
like I can't stop one shot in ten.
Like, nobody's that fucking good.
Yes, they are, Ricky. Peter Forsberg's that good.
He's a fucking legend. He's pretty good
but the only reason I think he made it as far as he did
is because he's so goddamn perfectly good looking.
It's the only reason.
Good looking?
Well, that's what they say in the magazines.
I don't know. Let's go get these meatballs in.
Let's just sort this shit out.
Ricky: What the fuck are these things, Bubs?
Some kind of little berry that you have with your meatballs.
(Imitating Swedish Chef Muppet)
(Cackling) Bubs, what are you doing?
The Swedish meatball guy.
The Swedish Chef, from The Muppets. The chef.
Borschty, borschty, borschty!
Kind of tastes like a little canberry.
A what? A canberry. Canberry?
Berries you get in a can.
Julian & Bubbles: "Cranberry." There you go.
Shit! Shit. (Chuckling)
You know what? It's not that bad.
I thought it would look like a lot more.
That's quite a fucking... quite a load of meatballs there.
Boys, this trip is fucked!
In most places we haven't eaten at all
and now we're eating too fucking much.
Swearnet dicks! Start drilling these things
into your mouth, man. Stop complaining.
Drilling what into your mouth, Julian?
The balls? The balls, yes.
(Cackling)
Julian wants to start drilling balls into his mouth!
I'm saying all of us have to drill the balls into our mouth.
I didn't know you liked sucking on balls, Julian.
Do you see me sucking on this thing?
I'm eating it.
Drilling it in your mouth.
Bubs... What else you like drilling in there?
(Chuckling) Fuck off. Do you lick them first
before you put them in your mouth? Or... just right in? (Cackling)
I think Europe's fantastic!
They've got all these nice, sort of...
old buildings and stone roads which I really enjoy.
Very nice. Love Europe.
Some of these buildings are 500-600 years old.
Ricky: Fuck off! (Laughing)
They are, Ricky. They are, Rick.
Who fucking built them? Aliens?
We haven't been around that long.
Who hasn't been?
Us.
Humans?
Ricky, humans have been around
more than fucking 500, 600 years.
Do they have evidence of that? Yes.
Yes, they built these fucking buildings.
Yeah, but we don't really know how old they are.
They might say they're that old, but maybe they're not.
(Sighing) Ricky, there's...
Why would someone lie about that, Rick?
Europe can basically lick my balls.
"Oh, I'm so fucking fancy! Oh, I'm so old!
"And I've got all these stony fucking roads,
"and big, fancy, stony buildings, and old shit and paintings
and all your stupid, dumb, fucking languages!"
Fuck off, Europe!
Maybe we just say fuck it.
What? Fuck the meatballs. We can do the Viking ship,
and I'm probably going to beat Forsberg anyway. Or hopefully.
No, Ricky, this is easy.
We're getting through them.
What's 25 bucks if we're going to have a thousand bucks later?
Well, in case we don't get the thousand,
it would be nice to have this as a back-up.
The more money we have, the better,
so that tomorrow, if we fuck up, we'll have money.
I'm telling you right now, there's no way he's scoring that many fucking goals on me.
NHL or not NHL or fancy rich,
or whatever the fuck he is, I don't care. Ricky,
do you know the stats on him? No. I know he's good.
I've seen him play.
He's, like, number 6 or 7,
all-time fucking points or something.
It's like Gretzky, Gordie Howe,
Mario Lemieux, Sidney Crosby,
Forsberg. He's right in that.
Yeah, but it's probably mostly assists.
There's no fucking way he's going to score
every goddamn shot on me. Well... Hopefully.
We're going to eat these fucking balls until they're done.
Long as I got some decent goalie gear. (Belching)
Being forced to eat meatballs is fucked!
I mean, especially when you're a picky eater like I am.
But, if that's what I've got to do to get drunk tonight,
I'm eating the fucking things.
All right, who wants the last meatball?
I've got my last meatball right here.
So do I. Boys, I don't know if I can do this, man.
I hear you. Come on, it's one more fucking meatball.
Here, cheers. Come on, put them in, boys.
Eat this meatball, go crush dessert, Cheers!
25 bucks coming our way.
Ohh...
Here we go, gentlemen.
The second round is ready.
Second one? What the fuck is this?
Yes, sir. The second round,
and you have one more round.
One more after this? Yes, sir.
Enjoy your meal.
Oh, my fuck!
Boys!
(Sigh) I can't do it, man.
There's no way we can do this.
We can. You know what? Let's just pretend.
Just tell yourself we just sat down.
We haven't already eaten 100.
Just sat down. "Oh, man, am I ever hungry."
Just shut up and eat the fucking meatballs.
Eat 15 or 20 meatballs, they're pretty fucking delicious.
But you start to eat 200, 300, 400 as a group,
you realize, "Holy fuck, boys!
We just ate a whole meat animal!"
Fuck, boys, I don't think I've eaten 300 of anything
ever in my life! God!
I bet you we ate 10 pounds each.
How the fuck are we going to eat dessert?
Oh, I could eat fucking dessert no matter what.
Where is this fucking place?
He said it was right past the corner.
"Gamla... Gamla Stans Fisk."
Fiks-ks.
Gamla Stans Fisk.
Here's fisk... fiks-ks. Yeah.
Imagine, this is what Randy feels every day of his life, man.
Fuck, that'd be uncomfortable. This is it.
This looks like a fish store.
Well, it's Gamla Stans. Jesus, Bubs...
Boys, this is a fish market.
Well, they must have dessert here.
They've got vegetables and bread, I see.
How's it going? We're looking for a gamless man
or a gamless ham? No, Ricky, we're in the store.
We're looking for, um, a dessert called Surströmming?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm supposed to give you that.
Thank you. Bubbles: It's like a strudel, is it, or...?
No, no. It's canned.
Just like this.
Really nice. Traditional.
This is a dessert? Should try it.
It doesn't look like a fucking dessert.
Why's it on ice in the middle of a bunch of fish?
Boys, I fucking hate seafood. I can't...
It's got water in it too. Let's get out of here.
The smell is making me fucking want to throw up.
Man: If you need a can opener...
Yeah. Yes, okay. You can borrow that.
It's a dessert though, or...? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's really nice.
Something sounds fucking weird to me.
Okay, let's try it.
Well, at least it's a pretty small can,
whatever the fuck it is. Yeah, I mean, the three of us can eat this.
Boys, I've got a bad feeling about this.
And even if it is fish,
I'll bring the rest of it home for my kitties.
You don't understand. I don't like seafood, Bubs. I can't fucking do this.
How the fuck does this work?
It's one of those old fashioned... Hook that on there...
(Wincing)
Jesus Murphy...
Oh, yeah, she's got a... she's got a stink to her.
Definitely got a stink to her.
(Laughing) Jesus, Bubs.
Are you okay, Bubs? Not really.
You've got to hook this part in.
I'm trying to hook it there.
I think we should just give up, boys.
Just... Let's not even bother.
Jesus, Bubs.
It doesn't smell that bad.
I think we can eat this.
(Retching)
Don't you dare... Ricky! Ricky, don't...
(Retching) Ricky, don't start puking.
You're going to make me sick... Ricky! (Retch, cough)
Stop that!
It doesn't smell that bad. Smell it.
(Gag) (Coughing) Bubs!
What? It fucking stinks, bud.
No! We can eat this.
We can eat this, no problem.
(Wheezing)
Ricky! Would you smarten the fuck up?
(Spitting)
Yeah, she's pretty ripe...
She's pretty ripe, actually.
(Coughing)
That was, hands up, the worst fucking smell I ever got smelled.
It was like Satan's donkey took a shit into my ass
and it came up and went out of my mouth and up my fucking nose.
Bubbles: She's pretty ripe.
Bubbles, we can't... (Retching)
We can't do this, man.
Julian: Ricky?
I can't even go near it.
It's awful! She is pretty ripe.
You know, when I first cracked the can,
all of a sudden it was like,
I thought I smelled something, and then the wind hit.
Jesus Murphy.
It was like nothing I've ever...
I don't know what the fuck goes through someone's head that says,
"I'm going to put rotten fish in a can
and eat the fucking stuff."
Boys, I can't see where the fucking... (Groan)
where the dang-dangs are.
Here, can you get the last... ?
Fuck, Bubs, I don't know.
(Mixed groans) Oh, fuck!
(Retch)
Don't throw up on me, Rick.
(Retching) Oh, Jesus!
Look, there's flies buzzing around.
Well, it's rotten fish,
that's what it is.
I can smell it.
(Coughing) Julian: Jesus!
Here, Julian, you just finish her off.
I can't, Bubs.
Boys, there's no fucking way I can eat that.
It's fucking disgu... (Retching)
Bubs, you've got it all fucked up, bud. Oh my God, boys.
Well, I tried. I never used one of these can openers before.
Let's just go to the Viking museum, boys.
I can't fucking deal with the smell.
Julian: Just a second.
Bubbles: It's just rotten fish.
Almost got it.
(Groan) Fuck!
It's fucking terrifying!
Well, set your drink down.
I'm not setting my fucking drink down! This fucking thing...
Are you seriously going to eat this... (Wincing)
(Gagging)
(Retch) Ricky! (Laughing)
Oh, she exploded on you.
Ugh-h-h-h...
(Retch) Fuck!
(Retching, spitting)
Julian: Bubs, we can't do this!
How many of them do...
(Mixed retching, coughing)
(Lips smacking)
How many do you think I've got to eat?
To get the money?
(Mixed retching)
(Spitting) Boys...
we've got... (Mixed retching)
Julian: We've got to get away.
Can't do it, Bubs. I can't either, boys. Shut her down.
Call it. I'm getting out of here.
Let's go... fuck this.
That's not worth 25 bucks.
Fucking Swearnet fucking bastards!
If I had to do it again,
I would rather fucking pucker up
and put my lips right into Samsquamptch's hole.
Oh, my God, that stuff was... (Groan)
It was rancid. Can't even think about it.
(Retching)
I'm fucking worried about Ricky.
I've never seen a human
throw up that much stuff ever in my life.
And, if he's going to stop Forsberg,
he's got to be on the top of his game.
Oh, those Swearnet dicks trying to make me puke on purpose
so I couldn't play goal against Forsberg!
Guess what? The joke's on theirs.
I feel fucking fantastic!
Boys, I've only got to make one fucking save.
It can't be that hard.
Ricky, he's a fucking legend.
He's a Hall of Famer. It could be very hard.
I know. He's good, he's good.
But it was more assists. Not so many goals.
But he's still a fucking wicked hockey player.
Like, way better than anybody you've ever gone up against.
Some of the guys I went up against in jail were pretty good.
Oh, what? Donnie and Dougie?
Oh, yeah, those guys are unbelievable.
I got full confidence in Ricky. Stop fucking... What are you doing, Bubs?
I'm just saying... (Talking over one another)
Hey, how's it going? Good. How are you guys doing?
Good. What's going on, man? Yeah, big fans.
What are you doing here? We're here for the competition.
Oh, you are? Okay. To watch?
No. We're the guys. I'm the goalie.
Okay, great. Someone told me it was going to be some athletes coming by,
but... I guess it's you.
What the fuck is that? That's not the gear, is it? Like, I...
Peter: It is the gear, man.
I need real gear!
Swearnet's just fucking with us again.
So we show up and there he is, Peter Forsberg,
the man himself.
You know, and he's just warming up and stuff.
And then we see the shitty pile of gear there
and I knew right away that Swearnet was fucking with us.
Cocksuckers.
Boys, I can't wear that.
We'll be back in 5 minutes.
Okay. For fuck's sakes.
I could probably beat him naked, but a fair's a fair.
I want real fucking goalie gear.
Man: Wait, which one of you's going to be naked?
Ricky: Hmm?
You want to go have some meatballs? (Chuckling)
Holy fuck, I never want to see another meatball...
What the fuck does he have? Jesus Christ... (Thuds)
Bubbles: What is he doing?
Ricky, go... The other way!
It's turn this way! The other way.
(Annoyed sigh)
Fucking asshole! What the fuck is your problem?
Fucking just start turning!
Come on. Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Fuck you, piece of shit! Come on!
Ricky! Oh, my God.
( ♪♪ )
Right on, Bubs. Perfect.
Okay, it's pretty... All right, man. You've got this,
you've got this, Rick.
Come on, Ricky. Show me your game face.
(Growling)
That's it. (Exhaling)
(Soft thud)
Sorry, Ricky. Jesus!
It's all right... I was just trying to get you warmed up.
( ♪♪ )
(Buzz) Bubbles: (Sigh) Fuck.
That was in. That's a goal.
(Buzz) Slut! Ricky!
Come on, Ricky.
Come on, Ricky! (Buzz)
Ricky... Okay, boys,
he's a lot fucking better than I thought he was.
Yeah, no shit.
(Buzz) Pussy lips!
Ricky! Ricky!
Bubbles: Never give up a five-hole with pads that big, Ricky
(Buzz) Peter: Ah, that's in. Fuck!
(Buzz) Tiger cocks!
Are you kidding me, Rick?
I almost had that one.
Bubbles: Come on, Ricky.
(Buzz) Horse tits!
Bubbles: Focus!
Ricky: (In slow motion) Horse tits!
Just... he's too accurate. He's just deadly accurate.
(Buzz) Fuck!
The same place each time, Rick. Come on.
I'm studying his pattern.
Two more chances here, Rick.
(Buzz) Peter: That was in.
Fuck, Ricky. Fuck! Ricky...
Ricky, okay, time out. Time out, Forsberg.
Peter: Okay. Here, stand up, Ricky.
You've got to get your shit together, man. He's fucking good, guys.
Yeah, no kidding!
That's why he's in the Hall of Fame.
Maybe if I had my own gear. This gear sucks.
Okay, listen. Listen. Come in here.
(Whispering) Be ready with the blocker.
Julian, reverse psychology.
Okay, all right. Okay.
Be ready with the blocker. The blocker.
Boys, I'm doing my best. I can't do it.
He's going to fucking score. We're done.
All right, Rick. This is your last chance.
Your last chance. 500 bucks.
Time's up. Go. Julian: All right, you've got this one.
500 bucks. Peter: Time's up. Ready?
Bubbles & Julian: He's going for the trapper, Ricky.
Bubbles: Definitely going for the trapper.
( ♪♪ )
Bubbles & Julian: Whoo! Yeah! Yes!
Ricky: Did I save that?
(In slow motion) Ricky, kick it out! Kick it out!
(Mixed shouting)
Julian: Nice! Yes!
Julian & Bubbles: You did it, Ricky. Right on, brother. Way to go, Ricky.
Ricky, unsportsmanlike, unsportsmanlike. Oh, fuck, boys!
500 dollars! 500 big ones!
I knew you could do it, man. I knew you could do it!
He was definitely one of the best players I've ever played against.
If I had my own gear I probably would have stopped three or four,
but I only had to stop one and I did.
I mean, the other problem was his fucking eyes are just so distracting.
Fucking Forsberg and his fucking eyes.
I mean, I don't like to, you know,
chirp Ricky behind his back but...
anybody that references another man's eyes
as being "beautiful" that much...
(Whispering) He must have a crush on him.
Fantastic save there.
Thank you. That was good.
You're pretty good yourself. Amazing, man.
No, you were good. Amazing.
Shall we go for the thousand, or... ?
(Mixed chatter)
In Canada we have a tradition that,
when you lose, you have to drink out of the...
the goalie's cup. Julian: It's a Canadian tradition.
No, I lived in Canada. I know it's not, so...
I'm not doing that. Not that cup.
We should have made a thousand fucking bucks but, oh no,
Mr. Fancy NHL Guy wouldn't drink beer out of my fucking cup.
I mean, it's not even touching my bare balls.
I'd drink out of the fucking thing but, oh no,
it has to be clean, I guess, or some fucking bullshit.
We still get the 500, though, boys.
Yeah, we've got 500.
Okay. Thanks, man. Thanks anyway. Thank you.
You were fantastic.
You're awesome. He called you fantastic. Did you hear that?
Quite a goalie. And I don't think he was being sarcastic either.
I think he meant it.
I stopped Peter fucking Forsberg! I know!
Julian: (Laughing) That was fucking incredible.
Obviously he's a terrible goalie.
I scored a couple. I felt bad in the end though,
so I decided I would shoot one off the blocker
and let him save it.
Yeah, seriously, those guys are fucked.
(Chuckle)
Ricky: All right, greasy tits,
I stopped one of Forsberg's shots,
fair as a fucking square. Let's go. Money.
Yes, you did. Good job. Thanks.
Okay, now pay us our fucking money.
Not gonna happen. Why not?
Remember that stunt you pulled in Oslo,
when I bailed your asses out of jail? Fuck off!
Swearnet came down hard on me.
They want their 500 fucking bucks.
Actually, you know what, I did the conversion.
It's 475, not 500.
You owe us 25 bucks. Let's go.
(Imitating buzzer) Wrong again!
That 25 bucks barely covers my pain and suffering fee.
Let's get back to the fucking bus.
We're going to Helsinki.
Pain and suffering fee... For fuck's sakes!
Does anybody else see the irony in the fact
that we're going to a place called Helsinki
when we are, in fact, sinking into hell here for real?
I'm getting on the bus, I'm getting in my bunk
and I'm jacking my fucking meat the whole of the way there.
Fuck this!
He's jacking his meat all the way to Helsinki?
( ♪♪ )
(Seabirds squawking)
Fish: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck!...
Fuck off! Jesus Christ!
(Whisper) Fuck.
(Light clicks off) Fuck off.